Unraveling

Whilst I don’t have  a writing process or a formula, there is a method to the madness. I usually write from what I consume online or conversations I’ve had, or I draw from my own past life experiences.

This week was a struggle and I was clutching at straws. I have intentionally stayed off most of social media; Twitter, to be specific. It has not been good for my mental, emotional and psychological health. There is so much anger and hatred in the world, especially towards women, both online and offline. This week my heart could not take it so I steered clear of it. Any other time it would have given me so much fodder for writing, but not this time.

Given social distancing and all, I am not socialising much and so conversations with my friends are few and far between. Even in the few conversations I have had, nothing has arisen that I’ve felt pressed to write about. Aside from the usual small talk and wellness check-in the conversations have been pretty basic, so that strategy did not work in my favor this time round.

I really went through the bat cave. The bat cave is what I call the part of my brain that stores all the shenanigans of my twenties. My twenties were a hoot!  A lot of stuff from that time often comes to the surface when I least expect it. This time that cave was sealed tight. I couldn’t for the life of me find something worth putting on paper.

FYI, my editor thinks my best pieces are those where I share my lived experiences.

So here we are, way past my deadline and still nothing I can put my finger on.

Not to say I didn’t try. Boy, did I try. I started working on four separate pieces but none got completed.

The first piece was my love-hate relationship with my country, Kenya. About how every day, especially now, I feel like I am in a toxic relationship with her and I can’t walk away! She treats me so unkindly; she doesn’t care about me or my feelings or my current welfare, yet my sense of patriotism gets stronger with each passing day! WTF!! If that is not toxicity then I don’t know! I don’t know maehn!

The other piece that was literally two sentences was about finding the silver lining in 2020. 2020 has truly been a pandora’s box, with each day, week and month bringing one unpleasant surprise after another. It started with the threat of World War 3, then Kobe’s death, then Corona, then the killing of black people in the States, then police brutality here at home, then the black plague and Naya Rivera’s death. And we lost Papa Shirandula!Jeez! 2020 outchea being the gift that keeps on giving bad luck! It’s a tall order to find the silver lining this year, ain’t it?

Another thought I had was around taking stock of my life over the past six months. Yap! We are halfway through the year. What has shifted for me since the year began? I had thoughts around how my sense of normalcy has shifted, and about how working out has helped me grasp some type of morning routine. And on how all this time spent with my kids has given me such a fresh perspective on how I want to raise them and analyzing some of my previous parenting choices. Also on how not having an income has got me hustling like a mu’fvcker! And on how I have read no books since February, which for me is super strange given that I usually find a new read at least every month. The dynamic in the relationship with my extended family has also shifted during this time. We are speaking less often than we did at the beginning of the pandemic – everyone is dealing with themselves in the best way they can. And I genuinely miss my friends.

Don’t get me started on the days where I don’t leave my bed. I kid you not. I almost wrote about it purely because I was wondering if I am the only one having those types of days. Days where I feel zero inclination to move or do anything other than stay in bed and I’m not necessarily sleeping, and it is not a sex thing. I physically just have zero energy to move and before I know it, the day is over. I just take a shower, change into fresh pyjamas and get back into bed. Anyone else having those types of days?

So, yeah. This piece almost never happened because the words refused!

There is no profound lesson here today. No call to action. No anecdotes or witty remarks. Zero connectedness of thought in everything I have shared. But I made a commitment to myself to publish every week. So this is it.

Ciao!

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Wangui
Wangui
1 year ago

It’s interesting to read about your struggle. 2020 tore me to bits. I never really understood mental health. I emphasized but never really understood it like I have in 2020.

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