When the shoe drops

I think 2021 is on a mission. It is on a mission to dismantle all my previous misconceptions around emotions and have me experience the full spectrum. No more of just jumping from anger to elation or vice versa, she is determined to make me feel everything in between. Sadness, pain and most recently hurt, regret and remorse. 

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Well, let’s just say I got on that road and took the express train to the hottest part of hell. Sharing this experience with the world is daunting because it is still very raw and parts of it are yet to be resolved. At the same time, I can’t think of anything else to write about. Also, Lelospeaks is for sharing my life experiences; the good, the bad and ugly. Here goes nothing.

A few weeks ago I made a wrong decision. Actually, I made a series of poor decisions. Even in the thick of things, that nagging feeling telling me it was wrong kept tugging at me. What did I do? I ignored it. A gut feeling is there to serve you. It is there to protect you. It is there to warn you about the looming danger ahead. It is the loud siren ringing in your head before you jump off the edge of a cliff with no gear. It is there to remind you to take a pause. All instances where I ignore my gut feeling end badly. This time was no different. 

I should have heeded the warning and listened. I figured the nagging feeling was not important, and besides, I had the situation under control. Or so I thought. In summary, the decisions I made over the next couple of days cost me, boy, did they cost me. Inevitably, I ended up hurting someone who matters a lot to me.

The past couple of days have been an emotional rollercoaster. From anger to sadness to regret to remorse and finally resignation that things between this person and myself may never be the same again. If you are expecting something extremely profound from me, maybe lower the bar. This is me sharing what motions I have gone through in this entire process.

When you hurt someone, the biggest thing you can do for them is to accept and acknowledge that you did something wrong, something that was hurtful no matter how you perceive it. Your intentions cannot invalidate what they are experiencing. It is not in your place to tell them how to feel or try to explain to them how they should feel. Admit to yourself first and then to them, that you are on the wrong.

My next mistake was to try and lie myself out of the situation. You guy!  It only got worse from there. There was no taking it back and the lie only served to inflict more pain. Your instincts may be for you to lie to save your ass. Wrong move bruh, just tell the truth.The truth shall set you free. Very cliché, I know. But it works, which is probably why it is a cliché.

My favorite emotion chose that moment to pop up. Talk about impeccable timing. Anger. Yah, she showed up. Unfortunately this was not just mine, but also of the person I had wronged. It did no one any good for both of us to be angry. I had fucked up and at that time I had no right to get angry. All I should have done was to take it all in. The person I had wronged had a right to be angry. I had betrayed their trust, and then proceeded to lie my way through it and now they were angry. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me up. FYI, that only happens in cartoons not real life. 

Bargaining. My emotional spiral stayed in bargaining mode for all of a second. To try and reason with this person I hurt. To see if there was an opportunity to explain myself. Trust me it is easier to bargain with your local vendor at the kiosk for a discount, than to try bargaining with a hurt person. You are wasting your time. Accept and keep moving forward.

A couple of days later, when I replayed the events of the confrontation that I had had with my friend I was so angry with myself. How could I have gotten myself into such a position? What happened to trusting my instinct? What happened to not being a shitty human being? What happened to values like honesty and truthfulness? What was I thinking?

I stewed in anger for a couple of days. I felt like I was undeserving of anything positive or good. Why would I want to reward myself with good things after all the shit I had done. A part of me is still angry at myself but now I acquiesce to small comforts like hot showers and at least one meal a day. My body was physically starting to hurt from the self-inflicted punishments. It was only serving to fuel the self-loathing.

The hardest one yet has been regret. Regret for the things I shouldn’t have done. For the words that should have been spoken in earnest. For not appreciating the value of what there was. For not taking the road to honesty to begin with. Not making a thoughtful decision led to a very meaningful friendship coming to an end and that is something I can never take back. 

Thinking through the decisions that led to that moment, all I have left is regret about not doing the right thing. Different decisions could have saved us all a whole lot of heartache. You really can’t turn back the hands of time. I mean you can rewind the clock but it doesn’t work like you see on Doctor Who. All you will be left with is a clock face telling the wrong time.

Remorse. Remorse for everything. It feels heavy. A cloud hanging over my head to remind me of how awful of a human being I have been. It creeps up on me when I think I have finally forgiven myself. It slaps me in the face, hard! Remorse sweeps over the entire emotional landscape and takes everything with it. I can only hope this person I have wronged eventually forgives me.

I think remorse is important. It is there to remind me that I am human. That I made a mistake. Remorse is silent but also the loudest reminder that I should not make the same mistake again. She will lure me into her embrace, make me think that the worst is over then remind me of my wrong. Remorse is like karma on steroids. She works on me from the inside, eating at me. Until I make peace with what I did, she will not let me go.

Now, all I do is hope for forgiveness. Hope that we may restore our friendship. Hope that they don’t hate me. And let this experience serve to remind me to not be a trash human.

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